Does it Really Happen for a Reason? And WTF is Karma?

There are a couple of sayings that I've heard, while growing up, and also a lot more recently, and I'm confident that many of you have heard them, or used them yourself upon occasion.   What are they, you may wonder?

1. Everything happens for a reason.

2. It's Karma.  Karma.  They'll get what they deserve, Karma. 

If life has taught me anything, it's that those statements are baloney.  They seem to be used to help us understand what we can not.  To try to make sense of why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people.  To bring sense to the insensible.  

I believe there are some things that happen for a reason. For example, I stopped training, kept eating in a similar fashion, and therefore cannot be surprised that cellulite has populated on some areas of my body.  There is a reason.    If I start smoking, it will be difficult for me to stop due to the addictive properties of nicotine, and then I will most likely end up dying of cancer, cardiovascular disease, a stroke, or peripheral vascular disease complications.   These types of things have a reason. 

What was the reason behind my daughter dying?  I'm trying to find one.  Doesn't seem to be one.  Things just happen because they happen.  What we choose to do after events take place is our decision.    But the event didn't happen so we could have the opportunity to make those choices.   "Shit happens". 

And Karma.  Destiny or fate from the sum of our mental and physical actions in this and previous existence, deciding our fate for the future.  I'm sure there is someone who will try to explain this to me.  I'm still trying to figure out what my daughter did to receive this form of karma, what her family did to have this happen to us, and the pain it caused all her friends.  What did all those people do to bring that Karma?  

I think when someone passes away in a manner outside what we feel is normal, like when your child dies before you, you notice how many more people have suffered from something similar.  A freak accident that takes a husband, a drunk driver that wipes out your family except for you, an illness that has no thought of what it's doing to the person it inhabits, it's just trying to survive, but the pain caused doesn't go away, and the results of all these things does not seem fair. 

When someone does something that ticks you off, and you say "Karma will get them".  It probably won't.  No matter how terrible you think that person is, or if they did something that was wrong, they could very well get away with it and win LottoMax the next week to boot.  You can be the most amazing, kind, generous, selfless person out there and bad things could still happen to you or those you love, what Karma is that?  What was the reason?  Some bigger plan we cannot see? Or a way for us to try to feel better, that there is a larger plan behind the pain, so we don't have to try to explain the unfathomable. 

We do have a choice after "the reason" whether good or bad.  We have the choice to move forward, to try to do good things for others and ourselves, be productive, and try to live and find ways to enjoy life within our means.  

You will not hear me ask you not to use those statements, it's your choice, your beliefs, we all have our own.   I would just ask that if you are commenting on my child, or to almost anyone else who has lost one, not to tell them 'everything happens for a reason'.  Save that for a different conversation.  

Embracing Change

If this past year has given us nothing else, it's at least given us change. Change can bring with it negative feelings of uncertainty and fear.  These unknowns can perpetuate anxiety and depression for some and  yet, for others, those uncertanties can be met with excitement around the new adventures that lie ahead.    

Change, uncertainty, and anxiety certainly payed me a vistit over the past 18 months.  It began with my official separation from my husband,  a new role at work, COVID-19, the cancellations of all my grand race plans, the inability to see my family,  limited friend contact, kids learning from home, me working from home, fear surrounding the layoffs that happened at work, getting a mortgage, helping my girls and myself adjust to our new realities.    

Through this time there have been emotional ups and downs, many tears, feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, and so much self doubt.  I've debated quiting sport, wondered if I should try to put my family back together,  and undervalued my contributions in my job.  I worried that I was failing my kids, as they lost their sports, were not seeing their friends, trying to do school from home, and I was learning a new role, navigating single living, and feeling as though I wasn't doing enough to meet their needs.  

I realize that I am not the only person who has been suffering and there are many people who have faced terrible things through this time.   Everyone's stress is different and very real and can manifest varying levels of reactions.  It is not my or your place to judge someone else's suffering but instead find ways to support, ease, and be there when needed. 

With help from my counsellor I have been working on accepting the new changes and navigating my new life.    Through the stress of the perceived negative, many positives have actually come out to play.   My home is an overall calmer environment, I've adapted to and doing well in my new role at work, made it throught the layoffs,  I've got an amazing friend group, own my home, the girls are doing okay and adjusting to this new world we are in, and I'm making sure to continue to exercise every day, even though I'm no longer racing as a pro.    

The anxiety I was experiencing has lessened, and as we begin to emerg from this unsettling year, I am excited by the possibilies that are ahead of us.  I have no delusions that embracing change will be easy, it hasn't been; I'm excited by the possibilities of what adventures are waiting around the corner, as I have been working on new ways to accept what's different and move toward what's waiting for me, even if it's not yet clearly defined.  

If you are feeling the heaviness of the unknown, be brave, search out a counsellor or friend, share what's going on, and work to find ways to embrace the change.  Here are a  few things that were recommended for me and have helped reduce my anxiety around the uncertain.   

1. Write down your thoughts.
This could be in a journal or a blog you can choose to post or not. Write down your situation, reread it, create some doable solutions. Perhaps what was in your mind won't seem as bad once you write it out.

2. Talk to others with similar experiences.

Talk with a friend, someone who is going through what you are or has shared a similar experience, find a counsellor you feel comfortable with. The conversation can be comforting and provide a new perspective.

3. Accept uncertainty is part of the everyday.
Easier said than done, but sometimes practice makes it easier to do. Reassure yourself that uncertainty is part of the everyday, control what you can and work to accept that there are things that you cannot control. It was not easy for me to wait for layoff day at work, I had no control over the outcome, however should I have been on the chopping block, I would have left with a package and strong skills to land another opportunity.

4. Relaxation.
Don't tell me to relax, it only makes me more conscious of the anxiety and less likely for me to relax. I know there are others out there that feel the same. I've started yoga, practicing the breathing techniques when I feel overwhelmed, it has helped immensley with helping me fall back asleep at night and yes, relax.

5. Exercise.
Sometimes the last thing I want to do is go out the door to run or jump on the indoor bike. However if I skip the workout I feel worse than if I walked out the door and forced the run to begin. It doesn't have to be a workout, a walk, hike, gardening, something active will benefit in helping to relieve the anxiety.

 

One Small Step

According to Merriam-Webster, Bravery is the quality or state of having or showing mental or
moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.  I often wonder what does "to be brave", mean exactly? Do I have to jump from an airplane, run into a burning building, or come down a hill on my bike at 80km an hour feeling exhilaration instead of terror? Can being brave also mean doing something that is different, new, uncomfortable, scary, and still doing it anyway?

Yesterday, while riding my bike indoors, I put on what I thought was a fun, non thinking movie, Chick Fight with Malin Akerman and Alec Baldwin.   To my surprise I ended up taking away a strong message from that movie.   At one point, Alec spoke this quote to Malin, who was afraid to take the final leap toward something she'd been working so hard to achieve,  he said " THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES FEAR FROM BRAVERY IS ONE SMALL STEP".

Being brave does not mean doing without fear, it's doing inspite of the fear.  It's standing on the edge of decision and instead of backing away or stepping down,  you step forward, even if you fail the first time, or first ten times, you are being brave just by taking that step.   

Everyone will have a different variation of what Brave is for them and that definition will most likely evolve over time.  For me currently, brave is when you  move away from something toxic and comfortable and step towards uncertainty and discomfort, you are brave when you step towards doing something you aren't sure you believe yourself to be able to do,  and you are brave when you seek and accept help when you need it.   

Being brave is hard.  But being brave can also lead you a step closer to great reward. Bravery shows in many fashions; find a way to start being brave for yourself.    Maybe you need to start with something small before taking on a big challenge.  Practice your bravery, take a step toward signing up for your first race, step out the door for that daily walk when you don't want to, step toward healthy choices.   

Be brave for you.