Does it Really Happen for a Reason? And WTF is Karma?

There are a couple of sayings that I've heard, while growing up, and also a lot more recently, and I'm confident that many of you have heard them, or used them yourself upon occasion.   What are they, you may wonder?

1. Everything happens for a reason.

2. It's Karma.  Karma.  They'll get what they deserve, Karma. 

If life has taught me anything, it's that those statements are baloney.  They seem to be used to help us understand what we can not.  To try to make sense of why good things happen to bad people and why bad things happen to good people.  To bring sense to the insensible.  

I believe there are some things that happen for a reason. For example, I stopped training, kept eating in a similar fashion, and therefore cannot be surprised that cellulite has populated on some areas of my body.  There is a reason.    If I start smoking, it will be difficult for me to stop due to the addictive properties of nicotine, and then I will most likely end up dying of cancer, cardiovascular disease, a stroke, or peripheral vascular disease complications.   These types of things have a reason. 

What was the reason behind my daughter dying?  I'm trying to find one.  Doesn't seem to be one.  Things just happen because they happen.  What we choose to do after events take place is our decision.    But the event didn't happen so we could have the opportunity to make those choices.   "Shit happens". 

And Karma.  Destiny or fate from the sum of our mental and physical actions in this and previous existence, deciding our fate for the future.  I'm sure there is someone who will try to explain this to me.  I'm still trying to figure out what my daughter did to receive this form of karma, what her family did to have this happen to us, and the pain it caused all her friends.  What did all those people do to bring that Karma?  

I think when someone passes away in a manner outside what we feel is normal, like when your child dies before you, you notice how many more people have suffered from something similar.  A freak accident that takes a husband, a drunk driver that wipes out your family except for you, an illness that has no thought of what it's doing to the person it inhabits, it's just trying to survive, but the pain caused doesn't go away, and the results of all these things does not seem fair. 

When someone does something that ticks you off, and you say "Karma will get them".  It probably won't.  No matter how terrible you think that person is, or if they did something that was wrong, they could very well get away with it and win LottoMax the next week to boot.  You can be the most amazing, kind, generous, selfless person out there and bad things could still happen to you or those you love, what Karma is that?  What was the reason?  Some bigger plan we cannot see? Or a way for us to try to feel better, that there is a larger plan behind the pain, so we don't have to try to explain the unfathomable. 

We do have a choice after "the reason" whether good or bad.  We have the choice to move forward, to try to do good things for others and ourselves, be productive, and try to live and find ways to enjoy life within our means.  

You will not hear me ask you not to use those statements, it's your choice, your beliefs, we all have our own.   I would just ask that if you are commenting on my child, or to almost anyone else who has lost one, not to tell them 'everything happens for a reason'.  Save that for a different conversation.  

Embracing Change

If this past year has given us nothing else, it's at least given us change. Change can bring with it negative feelings of uncertainty and fear.  These unknowns can perpetuate anxiety and depression for some and  yet, for others, those uncertanties can be met with excitement around the new adventures that lie ahead.    

Change, uncertainty, and anxiety certainly payed me a vistit over the past 18 months.  It began with my official separation from my husband,  a new role at work, COVID-19, the cancellations of all my grand race plans, the inability to see my family,  limited friend contact, kids learning from home, me working from home, fear surrounding the layoffs that happened at work, getting a mortgage, helping my girls and myself adjust to our new realities.    

Through this time there have been emotional ups and downs, many tears, feelings of frustration, anger, sadness, and so much self doubt.  I've debated quiting sport, wondered if I should try to put my family back together,  and undervalued my contributions in my job.  I worried that I was failing my kids, as they lost their sports, were not seeing their friends, trying to do school from home, and I was learning a new role, navigating single living, and feeling as though I wasn't doing enough to meet their needs.  

I realize that I am not the only person who has been suffering and there are many people who have faced terrible things through this time.   Everyone's stress is different and very real and can manifest varying levels of reactions.  It is not my or your place to judge someone else's suffering but instead find ways to support, ease, and be there when needed. 

With help from my counsellor I have been working on accepting the new changes and navigating my new life.    Through the stress of the perceived negative, many positives have actually come out to play.   My home is an overall calmer environment, I've adapted to and doing well in my new role at work, made it throught the layoffs,  I've got an amazing friend group, own my home, the girls are doing okay and adjusting to this new world we are in, and I'm making sure to continue to exercise every day, even though I'm no longer racing as a pro.    

The anxiety I was experiencing has lessened, and as we begin to emerg from this unsettling year, I am excited by the possibilies that are ahead of us.  I have no delusions that embracing change will be easy, it hasn't been; I'm excited by the possibilities of what adventures are waiting around the corner, as I have been working on new ways to accept what's different and move toward what's waiting for me, even if it's not yet clearly defined.  

If you are feeling the heaviness of the unknown, be brave, search out a counsellor or friend, share what's going on, and work to find ways to embrace the change.  Here are a  few things that were recommended for me and have helped reduce my anxiety around the uncertain.   

1. Write down your thoughts.
This could be in a journal or a blog you can choose to post or not. Write down your situation, reread it, create some doable solutions. Perhaps what was in your mind won't seem as bad once you write it out.

2. Talk to others with similar experiences.

Talk with a friend, someone who is going through what you are or has shared a similar experience, find a counsellor you feel comfortable with. The conversation can be comforting and provide a new perspective.

3. Accept uncertainty is part of the everyday.
Easier said than done, but sometimes practice makes it easier to do. Reassure yourself that uncertainty is part of the everyday, control what you can and work to accept that there are things that you cannot control. It was not easy for me to wait for layoff day at work, I had no control over the outcome, however should I have been on the chopping block, I would have left with a package and strong skills to land another opportunity.

4. Relaxation.
Don't tell me to relax, it only makes me more conscious of the anxiety and less likely for me to relax. I know there are others out there that feel the same. I've started yoga, practicing the breathing techniques when I feel overwhelmed, it has helped immensley with helping me fall back asleep at night and yes, relax.

5. Exercise.
Sometimes the last thing I want to do is go out the door to run or jump on the indoor bike. However if I skip the workout I feel worse than if I walked out the door and forced the run to begin. It doesn't have to be a workout, a walk, hike, gardening, something active will benefit in helping to relieve the anxiety.

 

One Small Step

According to Merriam-Webster, Bravery is the quality or state of having or showing mental or
moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty.  I often wonder what does "to be brave", mean exactly? Do I have to jump from an airplane, run into a burning building, or come down a hill on my bike at 80km an hour feeling exhilaration instead of terror? Can being brave also mean doing something that is different, new, uncomfortable, scary, and still doing it anyway?

Yesterday, while riding my bike indoors, I put on what I thought was a fun, non thinking movie, Chick Fight with Malin Akerman and Alec Baldwin.   To my surprise I ended up taking away a strong message from that movie.   At one point, Alec spoke this quote to Malin, who was afraid to take the final leap toward something she'd been working so hard to achieve,  he said " THE ONLY THING THAT SEPARATES FEAR FROM BRAVERY IS ONE SMALL STEP".

Being brave does not mean doing without fear, it's doing inspite of the fear.  It's standing on the edge of decision and instead of backing away or stepping down,  you step forward, even if you fail the first time, or first ten times, you are being brave just by taking that step.   

Everyone will have a different variation of what Brave is for them and that definition will most likely evolve over time.  For me currently, brave is when you  move away from something toxic and comfortable and step towards uncertainty and discomfort, you are brave when you step towards doing something you aren't sure you believe yourself to be able to do,  and you are brave when you seek and accept help when you need it.   

Being brave is hard.  But being brave can also lead you a step closer to great reward. Bravery shows in many fashions; find a way to start being brave for yourself.    Maybe you need to start with something small before taking on a big challenge.  Practice your bravery, take a step toward signing up for your first race, step out the door for that daily walk when you don't want to, step toward healthy choices.   

Be brave for you. 

Winter Run Fun

With the gyms closing down again in Ontario for Covid-19, and with spotty access and trying to book workout times online in other areas, winter running in the great outdoors may be the best option if you want to stay fit.  As someone who has an aversion to the cold weather, running outside in the ice and snow can seem a bit daunting, however there are ways to make it more palatable, and some may even say enjoyable or fun.  

Here are a few things to think about before going for your winter run.

1. Do a warm up before you head out into the cold.  It could be as simple as doing 50 hops at your front door, skipping for a minute or two,  or vacuuming the house, it's always better to feel warm when you start your run in the frigid winter temperatures.  

2. Pick the right gear.   This may take a couple of attempts.   Your instinct may be to dress like you are in the arctic, in reality dress like it's 10℃-15℃ warmer than what it actually is outside.   Once you start running you'll be sweating and will start to feel warm fairly quickly, if you're wearing your winter parka you'll be regretting your clothing choice after the first 5 minutes.     For example:  If it is 0℃, dress like it's 10℃.  I will wear a long sleeve shirt, capri's or thin tights, light gloves (usually purchased at the dollar store), and a toque. 

3. Pick the right foot wear.  If it's cold and dry your regular shoes should be just fine. If it's snowy and wet, look for a pair that has less of a mesh top, and if it's icy and slushy you'll want something that can give you a better grip.  I will use my trail shoes, or you can order something like Yak Tracks to add to your shoe soles to keep you upright while you run, instead of making snow angels in the bank if you slip.  Make sure you are wearing good socks that wick sweat away from your feet and keep you warm such as a smart wool sock (ex. merino wool) which you can find at most running stores, like Runner's Edge in St. Catharines.   

4.  Stay well lit.   It's dark out there right now.  We just passed through the shortest day of the year on December 21st, however, it will be a while before we get to see early morning sunlight again.  Make sure you are visible to the cars and snow ploughs.  Get a headlamp, wear a reflective jacket, mittens, or something like Noxgear which is a cool light up vest you can put over your clothing.  Safety is an important aspect to keeping your run enjoyable!

5. Beware of the wind.  The winter winds can bite hard, especially those parts of your body that are exposed to the elements, usually your face.  So on those chilly mornings consider putting a thin layer of Vaseline over those open areas to provide protection from the cold and wind, do your run as 10 minutes into the wind, turn around and have 5 minutes with the wind at your back, or do an out into the wind and home with the wind at your back.    Leave your sunglasses at home they can fog and ice up, instead get your ski goggles out, they will keep more of your face protected and keep your vision clear.  

6.  Change into dry clothes ASAP.   Have a set of dry clothes ready to put on as soon as your run is done.  Keep an extra set of clothing, including a dry sports bra for women,  and a towel in your car, or change as soon as you run in the door.  It doesn't take long for your body to cool down after the run is done, drink something warm and keep the chills at bay.  

7.  Be okay running slower.  Winter running is good for building strength and putting in base miles.  Unless it's clear roads and a bit warmer don't worry about speed.  Try to be flexible where you can.  If you want to run 10km and you find it's too cold, try doing 5 km and doing another 5km later in the day when hopefully it's warmed up a degree or two.  

8.  Create a challenge, pick a goal.  Getting up and going for a run in the cold and dark is not easy.  Create a goal to keep you motivated.  A future destination race, a virtual run event, a warm coffee and muffin reward at the end of each run, find what works for you and use it for motivation to keep your fitness up throughout this winter.  Spring will be here again before we know it.  

Happy Winter Running!

Your You Time

Is there something you'd like to do?  A goal you’d like to accomplish?  Do you often find yourself saying, “But I just can’t find the time.”  So month upon month goes by, and before you know it a whole year has passed and you still have not made one small step toward that goal. You may even beat yourself up a little about it, then feed yourself the excuse that there just isn’t enough time in the day to get to your things.   You sacrifice your time to give to others, such as your spouse, your kids, your career, and there isn’t enough left for you, so your goals will have to wait for when you have more time.   As a mother of three with a full time career, I always felt my time was filled up by someone or something, because the expectation that I had set was my desires would be put on the back burner to take care of everyone else’s.  You may feel the same,  that your goals are not important and that by pursing them, even small ones, taking time away from the family, or work, you are being a poor mother, father, friend, employee.  

The reality is, that taking “you” time can help you be more present, focused, and available for others when you are with them.   Just as you prioritize time for everyone else, you need to do the same for yourself.    For example, if your goal is to run your first 10km race in the spring, block off an hour three times per week in your calendar that’s just for you. If an hour seems too much at first, start with 30 min and build from there.  Keep that appointment with yourself, set the expectation with others (and you)  that that is your time.   Even if you don’t go for a run, or a workout that day, keep that appointment, use it to read quietly, go for a walk, watch some cheesy TV show you’ve wanted to see, or go to dinner with a friend, it’s your time.   Time to reenergize, work towards your goals, and take some time just for you.  

Here are a few things you can do to start finding that seemingly elusive extra time.

1. Find your NO.  It’s okay to say NO.  If someone asks you to do something and you have an internal reaction that says you really don’t want to do it, then don’t.  Keep your appointment with yourself, you’ll be better to others for it. 
2. Set a Goal:  This will force you to schedule appointments for yourself, every week, into your calendar.  
3. Ask for Help.  If you let others know your goal, they will help you get there, and give you that time you need to reach it.  
4. Remember:  By taking time to take care of yourself,  you will have more energy and focus for those other things that are important in your life. 

For the Love of Sport - Ironman Mont Tremblant

Two weeks ago I competed in Ironman Mont Tremblant.  As a quick review for those who are not familiar with the Ironman, it is a triathlon consisting of a 3.8km (2.4 mile) swim, 180 km (112 mile) bike, and a marathon 42.2km (26.2 mile) run with a maximum time to complete the event of 17 hours.

Leading up to  Tremblant I was genuinely afraid.  It wasn't fear of not finishing, I knew I would finish unless some horrible accident, a bike mechanical, or illness afflicted me during the event, I have finished 2 Ironman previous to this one which allowed me to know I would make it through.  It was that I didn't feel I was emotionally or physically ready to put the race together that I normally would expect of myself or what I thought others would expect from a Pro Athlete vs a 45 year old, mother of 3 with a full time job and part time athlete.    Actually, the thought of the second loop of the bike course was eating at me as this is not my strong suit and in doing Ironman 70.3 Mont Tremblant back in June this is where I had struggled.

So far 2019 has been a year of emotional upheaval, change, and growth that began with me not knowing what my future would hold, how my life would look, and having little faith in my own abilities as a parent, friend, and athlete.   With the help of an unbiased outside perspective, I began to make small incremental changes in choices made, learning the word "no", creating new boundaries for what I would or would not tolerate, building stronger friendships, and moving others to the background.   A few weeks before Ironman Mont Tremblant I made the very difficult decision to step away from the club I was with and  the coach I had had since I started in Triathlon. The coach and the club are still great, however no longer the right fit for me.   It was not a simple choice but one that needed to be made and two weeks before the race I began with my new coach, Jeff Scull from Edge Triathlon.    This may not sound like the smartest decision to some people, changing coaches so close to an Ironman,  however it was the choice I had made, not out of obligation to someone else, or because someone might get upset with me, or because someone wanted me to make that decision or I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but because I knew this was the best course of action for where I was in my life and what I wanted to do in sport.   

For  two weeks heading into Tremblant I tapered very differently than what I had done in the past.  I pretty much shut down the training and did very little.  As a 45 year old woman with a full time job, 3 kids, and trying to race as a Pro Triathlete I get very little recovery time, if any, and maybe 6 hours of sleep on a good night.  These two weeks were filled with the aches and pains of taper, healing, sleep, and building realistic goals for the upcoming Ironman, for the first time in a long while I did not feel doubt around what I was doing.  Just as a side note, I also needed a new race kit and Brava Triathlon got me one in time for the race!  I was very thankful and I really love the kit.  

What were these realistic goals I'd set:

1. To finish Tremblant in under 11 hours  however I'd be satisfied with under 11:30.00 

2. An hour or better for the swim

• 4 weeks prior I crashed on my bike and was still recovering from a shoulder injury, with very little swimming during that 4 week period.

 3. Under 6 hours for the bike 

• at the 70.3 Tremblant I went just over 2:49 for the bike leg and was hurting, I was thinking I'd be lucky to squeak under 6 hours on this ride, after the pain of that last ride. 

4. 3:45 marathon 

• my previous two Ironman I bonked hard after 27km into the run, this goal time would be a solid start towards learning how to do a quicker Ironman marathon. 

5. To smile for my friends and for any camera that I saw on course.

• Pro Triathlete Amber Ferreira inspired me to this goal.  She is always smiling regardless of the event whether she's doing amazing or suffering.  
• Usually all my Finisherpix  look like someone just shot my dog, it would be nice to have some decent pictures for once.

Christina, Lisa, Marcel
The Cheer Squad

John, Family friend,
 and fellow Ironman

The original plan for Ironman Mont Tremblant was to take my 2 youngest girls with me, they would hang out on race day with my friends' and their kids, as one of them was racing too.  All the kids are buddies and it was going to make for a good weekend, we were also all staying at the same resort.  Three of my best friends asked if they could come along and be my cheer squad for the race, and of course that was a big Yes!  My husband also asked if he could join us as he was able to get some days off work, and  my partner at work also made the trip so he could better understand what I was doing and to come cheer me on.  To be honest my colleague going to the race originally caused a bit of anxiety as I knew there was no winning going on for me this year and sometimes that pressure can be there when you race in the "pro" category, however he was stealthy and I didn't see him until I was out on the course and already racing and it was great to have him there as another member to the support crew.  

The Race

Rowen

Avery

The Friday prior to Sunday's race was a long day.  We were at the Ironman Village for 8am to register the kids for the IronKid's races.  My 13 year old, Rowen, and her friend Abby ran the 5km, both girls surprising me with their speed to the point where I actually didn't get any good photos!  They were the 1st and 2nd girls to cross the line both finishing under 22 minutes.  My daughter Avery ran the 1 km race which actually turned into more of a 2 km event.  I stayed to watch her group (blue bibs) go off before racing back over to the finish line, hoping I'd get there in time to see her finish as 1 km really doesn't take very long.  When I got over there Mike Reilly was saying that the 11 year olds should be coming in any minute so I got my camera ready and waited and waited.  The green bibs, who left after my daughter, were coming in, but no Avery.  No need to panic, but I did anyway.  Avery suffers with some anxiety and not thinking I would lose her I hadn't made a meeting place in the village if we somehow got separated, so now I was feeling  the anxiety.   I went over to the exit area and didn't see her, asked a volunteer and they said the blue group started last, which I knew didn't happen, I had watched the start.  I looked out to the busy crowd and was wondering how I would find her if she was out looking for me, then another volunteer said that the blue bibs were led off course by the lead bike and they ended up running further.  Panic attack averted I went over to see her cross the line.  Super happy and relieved to see her run through the finish and called an IronKid by Mike.

Me, Sarah, Meredith 

At that point I sent the family back to the condo, I checked in, then went over to the water for my appointment to try out the new Deboer wetsuit which was really a great experience, went for a run,  and then headed over to the mandatory Pro Meeting for 1pm where I made sure to get my superfan photo with Meredith Kessler and Sarah True.  It was around 3 pm when I finally got back and crashed for a nap, dinner, and then took the kids to the pool.

HOT Podcast 5am Saturday

The day prior to the race I started the morning bright and early with a 5am recording for Humans of Triathlon which kept my mind occupied away from the upcoming Ironman. After that was over I began to feel a bit ill, not because I was actually sick but because my nerves were eating at me.  Later that afternoon I went to the race site to drop off my bike, run and bike transition bags, then checked out the transitions and the swim exit; we were told the water level was down 2 feet and it was going to be a fairly long water run to the

Thankful for my friends helping
to keep things light pre-race

swim exit.  It was quite shallow so I had practiced the run out, falling on my face a few times as the soft muddy sand sucked in my feet along the exit path.  Upon returning to the condo I put together my special needs bags, morning gear, ate dinner, and was in bed by 8 pm.   Again for those unfamiliar with the Ironman, a special needs bag is where you can have additional food, drinks, socks, clothes, etc., one bag is on the run course and one on the bike course about half way through.  If you feel you need something from that bag you may stop and grab it at the specific point where they are placed.

The alarm went off at 3:35am, my usual upset stomach shenanigans had begun, and I put down some breakfast and was sipping on my F2C Glycodurance the rest of the morning.  My friends got up at 4:45 am, jumped in the car, and drove me to the bike transition, they waited for me to finish bike set up, then we all walked to the swim start where they reassured me all would be good. I headed into the water for a short dip.

The Swim 3.8KM (2.4miles)

Pro Women's Swim Start

As Pros we were asked to have our swim warm up completed 10 minutes before the start of the race, that way we would be at the swim start during the opening ceremonies and the National anthems. Ironman Mont Tremblant knows how to put on an event, the race director goes all out to make it a fantastic experience for all involved.  Mike Reilly seems to be everywhere and he was at the swim start getting everyone pumped up for the long day ahead.  I ingested my gel, and handed my garbage and water bottle to my friend Lisa and into the corral I went.  Too late to back out, time to forget about my tummy, and remember the goals previously set.  The pro men started 3 minutes before the pro women as a wave start vs the rolling start that has become more popular over the last couple of years in the Age Group ranks.  Thank goodness I watched them go first, the race was sent off with an amazing blast of red fireworks and a huge BANG! which caused a bit of a scare and heart rate spike.  Knowing what to expect made it a bit easier when it happened for us.    

Me in the pink Xterra- on the outside 

The BANG for the women went off and I could smell the fireworks as I ran into the water.  I usually start on the outside of the swim as I do not like getting hit or touched by other swimmers.  A few hundred metres into the swim I was close enough to make a push to grab onto the back of the 3 women up in front, but chose instead to maintain my pace where I was at. My shoulder was still very sore from the bike crash I had a few weeks earlier and I didn't need to wreck it in the first 20min of the swim.   I've also learnt that coming out at the front of the swim means very little when I get onto the bike, so holding my pace and doing my race was what needed to be done that day.    I swam almost the entire swim by myself.  If you know me I often think of the Lake Monsters that may be hiding in the dark water, and a couple times I saw something white close to me, then of course used logic and told myself it was my own bubbles,

no one else is here!   I caught a few of the male pros near the end of the swim and we swam into the swim exit together the last 200-300m and although I did practice the swim exit run in the water, I still found a spot where my foot sank into the mud and I fell on my face.  At that moment I remembered my last goal, SMILE, so I stood up, laughed and actually wished someone had gotten a picture of that slap stick moment.  I ran up the stairs and straight over to the wet suit strippers who were amazing, I would highly recommend using them when you are in a race, and ran down the long carpet to transition.   I was fourth woman out of the water. 

 Turns out GOAL #2 MET,  Swim Split 54:00 minutes.   

THE BIKE

I took my time in transition, the volunteer was very helpful and sprayed me with sunscreen before I hit the road.   Before the race I made the decision to not keep my bike shoes in the peddles of my bike, a choice the pros had for this race, a few of the women pros still choose to run with  shoes  on from transition to our bikes. I heard the cheers of my friends, hopped on my bike and set out on the leg I was most worried about.    My last Ironman was in Louisville, Kentucky where is was only 5℃  and raining the entire event, I was unable to use my hands and lacked nutrition the whole race and my run suffered to no end,  so another goal I had was to try to get in the majority of my nutrition on the bike, even if I needed to slow down and take my time to do it.    This goal was mostly met, I took a bottle through every aid station, and made sure I ate all the food I had packed, I did leave about 300 calories on the bike  in liquid.  Next time I will make sure to take all in.  

Smile! It makes everything better.  

I broke the bike into 3 sections for each loop, a tip I received from a friend before the race.  It's 35 km out on the highway, 35 km back, and 20 km on Duplessis.  This tactic really helped keep the bike in perspective, and it wasn't that bad.  The hardest part I found was not necessarily Duplessis but the highway climb on the return 35 km section.  Climbing is not my strong point but definitely something I am determined to get better at.  I remembered my smile goal, waiving and smiling at a few of the cameras if I saw them making for much better pictures and also a much better attitude overall.  If I felt discouraged or down I would remember the goal, smile, wave, be like Amber, and I actually would feel better.

First few steps
on the red carpet, after a long bike.

It worked for me at Tremblant.   The first 90km was actually faster than my bike split in the 70.3 Tremblant race I'd done 2 months prior.  I held a relatively even pace, mind you I was slower second half, there were some 'needing to go pee' logistics I was trying to work out and I finished the bike feeling better than I had in my previous 2 Ironman even though I still looked like I had pulled my back out the first few steps off the bike onto the red carpet.  And Yes!, with Ironman Tremblant, you ride your bike straight into the transition area onto the Ironman red carpet before you dismount.  It's a cool experience.  

GOAL #3 Met:  Bike split 5:45:36

THE RUN

Historically in a triathlon I tend to go out too hard on the run and then there is a whole lot of suffering happening in the last 10 km.  My friend Kevin, sent me a text the day before the race to remind me  of this and not to go out fast on the first lap, so I kept that in mind and tried to stay even the entire run.  Although I had a hand held bottle for parts of both laps,  I never felt like I was without an aid station on the run, they were frequent and long, filled with lots of drinks, fruit, ice, pretzels, etc. and probably didn't need to carry one of my own.  Having done this race a few years previous I knew what was coming on the run after leaving transition.  Parts of the course consist of some pretty decent hill climbs. Last time I did this race my self-talk was very negative coming through to the second lap and it definitely had a detrimental effect on my performance and recovery afterwards.   In Tremblant, to get to the second loop you go through the village and come to a fork in the road, one side says to the Finish the other says to the Second Loop.  For many that pass that sign they can hear Mike Reilly calling out the finishers as they come in and if you are in a poor mindset it can make going out for the next loop a very difficult endeavour, especially knowing you have close to 4 km of climbing straight out of the gate. In 2016 I was almost in tears knowing that climb was coming, this time along with practicing hills I practiced staying positive,  I used little sayings,  thought about my cheer squad and family waiting to see me out on the course and encouraged friends and fellow athletes along the way and even complimented the guys wearing the hula skirts cheering on the sideline of the course.    I think the hardest part of the run was the last 3 km.  You run down a parallel path to the main road and you think you are on the downward slope back to town until you get off the path and realize that there are still a few big climbs left, including a couple in the last kilometre that lead you to the final downward run into the finish shoot.   I found keeping it positive the hardest at this part when I was saying to myself, "bloody Hell, how can 3km take this long!" That's when practicing the positive attitude and smiles at home came in handy on the course. The body will work, it will get you to the finish with a smile if your mind tells it to do so.   

GOAL #4 Met: Run Split 3:41.49 (actually would be Boston Qualifying time for my age group if it was an official qualifying event)

FINAL THOUGHTS

The Best Support Crew and Cheer Squad
Jeff, Avery, Rowen, Christina, me, Marcel, Lisa, John

The Iceberg

This was my best race for many reasons.   Once the fire works went off I let the pressure melt away and focused on my own race.  My friends were there to cheer and support me just because we are friends.  My family was at the event and we stayed and had fun for a couple of days afterwards even though I was walking like the Tin Man. On the Tuesday we even went out to the iceberg (an in water climbing wall) and my friend John, fellow ironman, and I climbed that Iceberg with our families despite what we had accomplished just 2 days earlier.   I made some hard choices, and after a trying year I had  great success which included having the strength to make those difficult decisions, setting new boundaries, creating new and stronger friendships, having my family be part of the race experience, and pushing expectations of others aside to start building the foundation for a boundless life.  I was happy with my overall time and my overall ability to maintain a positive attitude or at least bring myself back to a positive space if the negative started seeping in.  I finished 11th in my category top 3% of all women, and top 6% of all 2,230 competitors.  During this season I was no longer sure I liked training, racing, or doing this sport.  After Tremblant I was reminded why I went into triathlon and how important it is in my life.  I was reminded why I love sport and racing.  

GOAL #1 Met: Overall time 10:30.45   Yes that's 10 and a half hours.  For my non-Ironman friends, it is a bit crazy.

GOAL# 5 Met:  I smiled.  

WHAT's UP NEXT

1. Swim in a relay at Barrelman Triathlon

2. Road and or Trail Race Oct/November

3. Masters Swimming- Canadian Record attempts for relays

4. Christmas!

5. Ironman 70.3 Florida

6. Ironman  (to be announced)

Thank you to all my sponsors for for their support,
I am looking forward to racing a variety of events and having awesome results in the upcoming years for the love of sport and the pursuit of a boundless life.

Skechers Canada
Rudy Project North America
Vorgee Canada
County Cycle
F2C Nutrition
Atmospheric Management
Xterra Wetsuits

  

BOUNDLESS

Ironman 70.3 Tremblant Women's Pro Start line. 

According to Merriam-Webster the word Boundless means - having no boundaries, limitless.  Okay, so what?  Well, when was the last time you felt boundless, like there was nothing holding you back,  no one could confine, limit, or restrict you.  I know for me it has been what seems like almost forever.  Many of the confinements brought on by others and their wants and needs from me, some of them put onto me by my own self. 

As a child we all have boundaries which usually consist of places we can't go, things we aren't allowed to touch, do, or eat without permission.  We are limited by the rules placed on us by our parents, coaches, teachers, friends.  As adults many are bound by jobs, education, spouses, partners, friends, finances, peers, family, and the confinements we place on ourselves that keep us from stepping outside the box, breaking the status quo,  believing in who we are and what we are capable of.  I have been that adult and still am to some extent. Afraid my world may fall apart if I step outside the routine, relax my household responsibilities,  or do something for myself, I instead spent many years doing for others and neglecting the ever growing sadness building inside of me.  The outside appearance showing the "superwoman", the inside a fearful, weak,  far from super woman.

This brings me to today.  I just did a guest spot on a podcast, me! (Ordinary Marathloner )I'm cohosting a podcast too! (Humans of Triathlon) Things a bound woman may not venture into for fear of saying the wrong thing, showing the world that she's not the superwoman that people seem to think she is.    I also have taken a new outlook on Triathlon.  This will be my last season as a pro triathlete.  It has been an amazing experience, I love the people, the races, the flexibility of entering events and dropping out if need be without penalty of losing my entry fee.  I am one of only a few that have taken the leap to start on that Pro Ironman line, an experience I will always cherish and one that can never be taken away. I am happy to have earned the opportunity to race as a professional and show my kids, as well as grown ups, that anything is possible if you carve out a little time.    Maybe you won't be on the podium but that doesn't mean you didn't succeed or accomplish incredible things.   This season is about being okay with what I can accomplish while attempting to balance the rest of my chosen life responsibilities. 

Tremblant 70.3

My first Triathlon of 2019, Ironman 70.3 Tremblant, I knew going in that it wouldn't be pretty.  I have had very little time to ride the bike.  I find that it's easy to get in a run or a swim because I can do those things while I'm with my middle daughter at her swim practices.  The bike is a different story.  Finding the time to be able to be competitive with the other pro athletes on the bike is almost impossible for me.  So going into Tremblant I set a realistic time goal of under 5 hours.  Told myself not to go crazy trying to win the swim because it wouldn't make much of a difference at the end of the bike.  It was about gauging the course to see where my fitness was for the upcoming full ironman this coming August,  to have fun with my friend Lisa, and make new friends along the way.   I was pleased with the swim and the run and ended up beating the pre race goal by 6 minutes.  All in all it was a great day.  

Amber Ferreira- This face says it all!  

During Tremblant I had the opportunity to speak to some incredible pro athletes, one of whom was Amber Ferreira.  I had  interviewed her earlier this year on the Humans of Triathlon Podcast and fell in love with her attitude and spirit.  She is just as amazing in person and I am using a picture of her from the race in Tremblant to remind me of what's most important, Having Fun!  Enjoying the moment, the opportunities that present themselves, and the sport itself, to remember why I started in the first place.   The pressure put on myself and by some others was taking away the main reason I show up to practice and race day.  I'm changing that.  

I want my girls to feel they have boundless
opportunity. 

I'm moving into a new chapter of my life as I'll be 45 years young on August 1st and next year will be in a  new age group.  It would be awesome to plan a family trip around 70.3 Worlds or better yet, Kona.  If you read my blog before you will know that I qualified for Kona in 2016 but turned down the spot and went Pro instead.   I will not turn down the spot again as my girls really want to go to Hawaii and so do I. I haven't been there since I was 17 years old, and it wasn't a vacation, it was a training camp for swimming.    To be boundless is my goal.  To strive to not let others' perceptions or those insecurities of my own,  hold me back from doing what's important to me.  Keep in mind that doesn't mean ignoring my responsibilities, nor does it mean I don't care for others or will not give up my time for them.  It means when I do that it is because I have chosen to do that.  I won't ignore the feeling inside that screams at me, "you don't want to do this", and do it anyway.  I will weigh my choices, and if it is really something that is not needed, necessary, and I really don't want to do it, I won't.  It may take a bit, old behaviours are not easy to change, however one step at a time.  One step we can all take to create a life that is full of boundless opportunities.  

Am I Enough?

Why am I not enough?  A question I have asked over and over for many years.  A question I know many others have asked themselves also.   I have historically suffered from low self esteem and worth and over the past few years these feelings have been at the forefront of my thoughts and I am finding it harder and harder to push them aside. I've also become very good at masking them in public. 

Recently I've started to see a psychotherapist to help me unpack all these feelings and retrain my brain  not succumb to my own self doubts.  She has also asked me to start blogging again.  I've sat down many times to write a blog and each time left it with only a title, as some of the things I'd like to write I'm not sure I'm ready to publish out to the world.   The advice is to write it and leave it as a draft, publish it when I'm ready whether it's next week or next year.   So two years after my last published post I'm sitting down to begin opening up once again, this is not my usual blog. 

For as long as I can remember I have felt this feeling of self doubt,  of not being good enough, or worthy.  Whether it be in a group of peers, colleagues,  at school, work, or sports, I feel like it is only a matter of time before the gig is up.  That someone will realize I'm not really all that smart, or good at my vocation, I'm just a lucky athlete, nowhere close to being a good mom, daughter or wife.  Every year at school, beginning in Kindergarten, I was afraid to move to the next grade.  Even though I did well in class I felt that in the next year I wouldn't be smart enough to pass. I always passed and did well, however it was not an easy feeling to overcome, sometimes I wonder how I made it through University!  This feeling carries through to work as well.  I remember writing the exams for my current job, they were tough with both multiple written and oral components.  I'd studied hard, and yet still felt like I wasn't prepared.  When the results were in, we received a class lecture stating many of us did not do well and several would need to do them again.  Immediately I thought it was me.  It wasn't that I wasn't prepared, that I didn't study or answer all of the questions.  It was the belief that I was not smart enough, good enough, that these peers were better than me.  The fear I felt, as I really needed to keep this position, was causing me to feel ill.  The relief that came when told I'd passed with an exceptional grade was immense. Tears filled my eyes and I moved forward into the next phase, I felt like I was moving from Grade 8- Grade 9.  Part of me knowing I can do it, the doubtful, fearful voice in my mind saying you're not enough.  

When I was 10 years old, I was moved up a group in the swim club.  I was now in with the 12-13year old kids.  I was scared.  Every practice I would get dropped off, go in, start warm up and then feign illness to get out.  It wasn't that I didn't want to swim, or that it wasn't a privilege to be moved up at my age, I was scared that I didn't belong, that I wasn't good enough to be there.  My coach called in my parents and told them that if I didn't straighten up I'd have to go back down to the lower group.  That was not an option, so I stuck it out and made it through as I always do but that didn't make the feelings of inadequacy disappear.  There was always a pressure to perform, succeed, win, with feelings of fear and inadequacy.  

These beliefs have led me to be the 'can you' person.  Sheila can you do this, Sheila can you do that.....can you, can you, can you....  I have been the person that says yes every time even when everything inside me was screaming "NO".   My fear of being found out that I'm not good enough, or deserving enough compels me to say yes, to be a pleaser, to try to not let anyone down.   I argue with the yes/no in my brain.  The 'what if' takes over.  What if I say no, will I be a failure, will I  let them down, will they not like me, will they be angry or upset, will they know I'm not good enough. The more tasks I'm able to perform the higher my value has been my misguided belief.  Through this I've become someone that can juggle a million things, nothing is done to 100% my liking.  Perhaps that's my own design.  I believe I'm not enough so I've created a life where I do so much that there isn't one thing that I'm great at, except maybe taking on too much.  Until recently, this 'what if' voice has almost always won out over the screaming No inside my gut.  I continue to struggle every day with the thought of not being enough, however with some outside help I'm slowly finding my NO to the things I'm not sure I can handle, and saying yes to more things that are important to me. I'm not even close to where I'd like to be however there has been progress forward.  I've stepped back from certain things, I'm struggling because there is not full understanding as to why from some others, and I feel like I'm letting them down.  

The most important thing to me is that I continue to be a good mother to my girls, part of that process is making sure I am good to myself as well.  Each day will be a new journey into finding my No to  things I don't really want,  learning what I do want and not being afraid to go after it,  and saying yes, I am enough.  

My Girls

Ironman 70.3 Eagleman

Getting ready for the swim to start. Eagleman 2017

Last weekend was the Ironman 70.3 Eagleman in Cambridge, Maryland.  Last year I went to this race as an age group athlete, winning the 40-44 age category.  This year I went as a rookie pro athlete and finished 11th overall pro and woman.  I am grateful for the opportunity to race in the Professional category for Ironman. If you haven't read my other blogs, I did my first triathlon (a sprint) at the age of 40, and qualified for my country standards to race as a Pro at 41, and took the opportunity to do so at the age of 42 for the start of my 3rd season in triathlon.   

Comparing my race from last season to this there are many differences.  Besides the swim being raced in the opposite direction, I was without a wetsuit, led the swim from start to finish with the 3 top seeded women on my feet, spent the majority of the bike on my own, and the run, well, it was a hot one.    My first 3 pro races this year sent me home with a 16th, and two 17th place finishes.  My 11th place finish at Eagleman is a big improvement and I'm happy with the result.  My expectation is not to win the race, however, I am determined to move up the ranks.  Let me tell you about the trip.

DAD and DAUGHTER TRIP

Dad and Me finishing shoot Eagleman 2017

My dad and his wife, Pat, live the summers in upper New York State so I drove to their place from Niagara Region, Canada, spent the night, did a bike ride in the morning, and then my Dad and I started our drive to Cambridge.   This was my Dad's first triathlon experience and he was really great.  He was very supportive, asked lots of questions to understand, and was able to come with me through race check in, the pre-race pro meeting, and scoped out the transition area, swim start/finish while I was doing race prep on the Saturday before.  He even drove the 6 hours from Cambridge back to New York after the race!  It was a great Dad/Daughter adventure.

THE SWIM

The swim course was in the opposite direction this year compared to previous years, which I really liked.  It seemed easier to  navigate for me for some reason.  Although I am a swimmer, the swim was the only section of the triathlon I was nervous about.  I know what will happen on the bike, and the run is so individual, varying depending on a lot of different factors.   

First Female out of the water.

The swim is more strategic.  It's the only place where there is drafting allowed, physical touching, you can swim inside or outside the buoys (except the red ones, always have to keep those on your left) and I don't yet know who is a fast swimmer in the group.   When we went out into the water for the start, I separated myself from the group.  I'm not a fan of swimming amongst others arms and legs if I can help it.  So I started wide and swam in toward the buoys.  From what I could see it looked like  another girl did the same but from the other side of the start line.  Within a few hundred metres I knew I was out in front, just not sure how far.  When I turned the first buoy I could see a group of pink caps making their way toward the buoy.  What I didn't know yet was there were 3 girls nipping at my toes; the 3 race favourites to be more specific.  Halfway through the swim I felt a touch on my feet, that's when I knew I wasn't alone.  After that brief touch I didn't feel anything  and was put again into a false sense of security, I passed a couple of the male pros, and with a about 200 metres to go I felt the tap on the foot again.  There was no way I was going to get passed on that swim!  This was the only leg of the triathlon that I was going to win, and I wasn't going to give that up.  So I used my legs, got to the ramp first, and ran to the swim exit for a first place swim followed closely by 3 super fast pro athletes...after that, the race went almost as planned.

THE BIKE

I left the transition in 4th, and held this for a while.   It took until about 45 km before I fell below 10th place.  The bike is not my strongest suit, although it is improving.  I finished the bike in 13th place.  Don't get me wrong, it's totally frustrating getting passed by so many on the bike,

however it was less than usual this time and that's a positive and I'll continue to work on this.  Up until just before my first triathlon, I hadn't ridden a bike of any kind in almost 20 years. 

THE RUN

I racked my bike, and ran out of transition. On the way out I saw my dad cheering for me,  I managed a wave and then headed out after the two girls that were just in front of me.  I managed to catch them, and at around 8km I saw another girl up ahead, the 10th place girl.  I timed how far she was out in front, 1 min 10sec.  At this point we had around 10 km left, and I knew if I kept my pace I could catch her.  Unfortunately my body had other ideas, it wasn't my day to run, and 10th moved further away.   I entered the finishing shoot, satisfied with 11th for now, the heat had done its damage.

 I will revisit my nutrition for hot days as I think that was one of the reasons my run failed the last 5k.  The great thing about this race was that my Dad was there to meet me at the finish line.  He put the medal around my neck and walked me to the medical tent (as my BP dropped like a stone).  After a good 10 min, I hobbled over to the Choptank River and sat in the cool water, got out, grabbed my bike from transition and we headed out on the road for home.  

Photo credit: Higgybabyphotography

SUMMARY

All in all it was a great weekend.  I spent time with my dad, met and raced with some amazing ladies, and put in a good race showing.  Eagleman is definitely a great event and one I will return to again,  next time with a new strategy to manage the heat.